The inside of me

Well, I finished my first week Psychiatric placement at PPUKM. I never loved clinical placement, because it is stressful,tiring and it never ends.

I've been assign under Community Psychiatric where I belong to a team of doctors,nurses, therapists doing home visit for psychiatric patients to assess his/her condition at home after discharge and doing follow-up at home. The rest of the day, I just spent my time at ward.

Clearly,this is my first experience. Of course, at first I was a bit unsure of what happening around and I've been told that psy patients are manipulative, and try to be firm and confident while communicating.

My first day went by quite awkwardly.Later that day, I found that, this is indeed a great experience for me that nowhere can be found outside. I started to build rapport with all the patients, put aside fear,nervousness awkwardness. So,5days went by, I definitely enjoyed my time here especially the moment you enter the ward, and you hear patient excitingly screaming your name, saying that your clothes is beautiful, greeting you.

Of course, when their psychotic episodes relapse, sometimes you'll find it very funny, when they claimed that they are the son of The Almighty, or Jackie Chan is coming, or something about finding justice for Chua Soi Lek, or even the moon-and-sun-always-on-top-of-my-house talking.

I prefer to stay at ward even when lunch break, talked and watched TV or anything else you want to do inside. I observed. Then, I pitied them. Every singe second, I kept hearing my inside voice saying " Kesiannya, muda lagi dah jadi macamni" or " Sayang,muka cantik tapi...."

I went soft. When patient asked me when is the visiting hours, and I said its 12pm ,and later 5minutes she'll asked you again when is the visiting hour, I felt like crying.
I felt like crying when patient asked me " Bila makcik boleh balik, makcik dah sihat, makcik rindu dekat anak-anak" or " Boleh tolong call suami akak, dia kata nak datang melawat akak hari ni"

I felt like crying when I saw patient lying on the bed and refuse to do anything, and when i asked, she said "Im not interested on doing anything. I just wanna stay here.My parents and friends wont come visit me"

I felt like crying, when I saw patient writing something on a piece of paper, and when you asked " akak,buat apa?".She replied " Akak nak tulis surat dekat suami akak". And you saw on top of the paper saying "Kehadapan suamiku...."

I felt like crying when one day I saw her husband came, and her facial expression suddenly changed,while the husband walked towards her and kiss her forehead.

I hope, I will do better next week. No more soft feelings, try to be firm and confident. Wish me luck.